Letter to my love

My dearest sweetheart,

Today could be the darkest morning of your life my beloved when you will wake up with this letter on the table beside you. I will be gone from your life by then, to a far away place from where even my memories can't reach you. Before leaving, here I am penning down the reason which made me to take this decision. Where-ever I would be after today, I would pray you gain strength to confront this and move on with your life !!!


Four years of our married life (shy a few months) have been wonderful; there can be no denial that we both are happy and contended with each other apart from usual strife between couples. I have always loved you and still do more than anything in this world. I found no person, whoever crossed my life, better than you; and I am still of the same opinion irrespective of what happened with me last night.


Around a year ago I met her at a party of a business trip. In her mid thirties, elegant and polite in her behavior, she was flaunting her arms to say "Hi" to her well-knowns. I intended to begin a term with her with an aim to extend my social or professional arena. We started talking (And I don't remember when it started and how) and our talks ranged from life's most bitter experiences to close-to-heart moments to achievements to cynicism to practicality covering almost all the aspects of a civilization. Within two months, relationship became engaging and since she was residing in this city only, it was not difficult for both of us to get access of each other whenever required. She was spinster !!! She was curious on how a married life is different from a single life, how we handle the most turbulent moments in such an intimate relation, how the expectations fluctuate in such a life... She exhibited an intelligent inquisitiveness and pragmatic poise about matters. And not very long ago it started (I don't know how) that on few weekends we drove away from city's dazzles with bottles of red wine and cans of beers, on golden beaches where we glimpsed on our past with soul-touching music. And we spent hours talking of romanticism with profession, creed of concealed relationship and somehow coitus bliss.


It was the first night, five months ago, when we made love... We were drunk and I couldn't resist my temptation to touch her gorgeous fleshes; she had already surrendered herself on the bed. After the pleasure, her eyes were tearful and I was blank. We had quite a number of stints but sex was not the only thing between us; probably I found an acquaintance with whom I can relate freely my natural instinct of creating a web of thoughts, discuss the deepest, unknown questions in life and get challenged with a non-egoistic web of replies. Same with her I presume with the presence of a desire to experience that heavenly bliss. We were not in love, not in friendship... I think we fell under an undefined relationship which the society is yet to find a label for !!!


But yesterday night brought a storm in our life... I went to her place for the usual spending of time when she announced she was carrying my child. I tried to convinced her of abortion but she pleaded and then begged for this new life. In this process we unknowingly sunk into bed and made love for the last time. I think she gauged that this evening will be a souvenir for her entire life but she was unaware of the putrid thought that crossed my mind; session was long and repetitive and we ended up under the shower. When we were feeling each others ardent bodies under the cool shower, I slit her right wrist and belly and placed her in the bath tub...I kept my lips on her till her flutters faded away; but I don't know why she didn't resist seeing herself bleeding.


I am penning this down sitting at her place... I was guilty of ending two lives and sinful to three lives none of whom I know can forgive me... I neither had the courage to end myself nor have the heart to face you for this incident. I will try to console myself by considering the walking away from your life as my biggest punishment I can give to myself !!! I am leaving it to your courage, if it is possible for you to gather, to find an answer to why this enigmatic incident happened to me that shattered all of us... And I will keep praying that you a find reason to move on with your remaining life... I have loved none other than you in my life since the earth evolved and will continue to love till the destruction of this world...


Good bye my love !!!

--Yours beloved

A Drunken love

It's drizzling outside; inside two souls are sitting across the table... The beige light of the lamp, placed beside, suffused the glass topped table where two one-sip-empty glasses of 4th peg of malt are placed. Rest of the room is a chiaroscuro. Air is redolent of the sweet wet smell of earth; heads started becoming dizzy with that drunken pleasure and hearts are on the verge of revealing the deepest of emotions.

It is the climax of a relationship that got entrapped in a fear of failing to fulfill expectations, as a result it failed to live it's life. A relationship where feelings were intense, care was as soft as of a mother but still apprehensions of not in the right relationship existed. They termed their relationship as love, but when they used to sit alone under the star studded sky, independent qualms on their own judgment kept coming in and going.

"From now on can we reserve every weekend exclusively for us?"... He accepted !!!

"I think you should start wearing these attires; we are in urban society."... She accepted !!!

"Please behave responsibly; now you are a partial bachelor, not full fledged." He thought !!!

"We should take out time for our friends also."... She thought !!!

In evening beaches facing the sunset, in dinners of celebrations, in walks under the rains they discovered how much they love each other; days after days through these moments feelings grew, but within that feeling what also grew is a constant self-examination, "Am I now that person what he/she expects me to be?" And after sometime another self examination, "Am I leaving my original self?" But in turbulent times when things didn't seem to fall in place, when they seem to lose their heads... they sought each others presence and talks; and when any of them used to see a couple sitting intimately on a green surface surrounded by metropolis' glamorous sky-scrapers, they were touched by a merriness thinking,"I too have these moments in my life amidst this city's whirl winding pace !!!". Yet ignorant impositions of expectations and the obligations of fulfilling it left them in a state of complete denial of each others existence of companionship. It was as if a chord that surrounded them and whose ends met each other instead of meeting their hearts. Days were passing by, denial was deepening, servility to a fear that no moment in a day was left for themselves was evident. A blue haze amidst the life's daily toils gripped them and made their fluctuating emotions perplexed. And suddenly the worst thought that could surface in a relationship came up... "I was better off without you."

They used to celebrate few rainy weekends at home with wines or malts. With every intake, numerous things used to surface... realization of self guilt of imposing expectations; consolations to each other of being human who commit mistakes; passionate embraces with tearful eyes; inexplicable, deepest philosophical opinions about love. Those evenings ended a under a blanket embossing each other and sniffing the warm breathes. It was among those rare occasion when they felt relieved, sensed an arduous connect, their feelings soared an emotional high. In those moments feelings were limpid, self was purest.

On one dewy night of winter, he couldn't finish the half left coffee in the cup after she went away from his place. He was bemused with her talks, she addressed,"Although our convictions converge yet we differ in our worlds. We both exhibit free spirits who, in crude words, hate obligations. But unconsciously we both became guilty of imposing this to each other. Yet we have tried to mold ourselves to each others wishes, but that made our life treacherous. We, in no way, complement each other and hence we don't love each other; we are merely acquaintances whom we need only when we want. Breaking this relationship off initially would make our minds haunted with spent moments, a frequent frustration of present and to bring back everything and start freshly. But the down the long lane, we would not be unanswerable to each other for our deeds that will bring peace to our souls. I hope we both have that courage to move on with life after today." Certainly, she was more courageous than him; he never couldn't dared to vent his distraught self.

Today's rainy night is an initiation, afresh, of the departed things; she was right in pronouncing the initial effects of breaking off. Three pegs finished and everything is on the verge of those rare occasions that they used to cherish after every intake and ultimately get drenched in. But there's tomorrow and there would be days following it when they would not be soused; occasions occur occasionally !!! She left that one-sip-empty fourth peg and slowly went away from his his place getting drenched in the rain........................

The Quarter-Life Crisis

It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may or may not like. You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.

You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.

You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not. You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused. Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better. You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic. You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while wining the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

We call it Quarter-Life Crisis !!!